MaternityShare

I knew Will was expected to come early but I had hoped to hold him in for longer than I did. I wanted him to grow as big and fat and healthy as possible. He was born at 36 weeks and 6 days into the pregnancy, just one day shy of what is considered “full term” which caused the hospital staff and other health care professionals to call him a “preemie”.

Since my first time in the hospital to be monitored for preterm labor (at 24 weeks) I have been on alert and worried about the baby being born too early and what his chances of survival or chances of a healthy life would be. I am so tired of the worrying. I still carry that worry with me as it has been weighty on my mind for months and I am still getting used to the fact that he is now on the outside of me as well as believing that he is doing fine and is healthy.

When I was put on bed rest it made things even more intense for me. I had worry and I had a new lifestyle that made me feel like an invalid or some sort of injured person. My actions and interactions were dramatically limited. The lack of a tribe or a community that I had already been feeling felt even more pronounced when I could not be even among the strangers on my commute as well as my co-workers during my week day. As I have mentioned before, being pregnant made me strongly realize that I want to and need to reach out to those I already know and love as well as make new connections in my new home (well, not so new as I have now been in the Bay area for about three years now).

I had hired Pamela Star (a.k.a. Star) as my doula to assist me in my labor. Star was unable to make it to my birth because Will came so fast and she had another birth to attend to. I was so scared when Will began to come. I didn’t know what to do with myself and the sensations I was having. I had in effect “programed my body to “keep baby inside” so when it came time for him to come out I was fighting it. The labor came so fast and progressed so quickly that I was overwhelmed.

Anyway, the baby is starting to wake and Billy is changing his diaper now and I am going to feed him in a moment. So I have to wrap this up for now. But rest assured, I have more to say. These are some of the things I am processing right now in this intense hormone steeped and sleep deprived time. Things are getting a bit more grounded for me but my head is still swimming.

Today I thought I was making some good headway in figuring out what I could afford and what pieces I needed to work on solidifying to make the birthing situation a comfortable one. I had to make compromises but I was willing to live with them. Then, later tonight, Billy and I started talking finances for real. It seems that things are going to be really tight. I was being overly optimistic. Well, I guess I am happy about the optimism part, as well as making some headway and decisions. As it stands with today’s optimistic plan I will be broke (no exaggeration) by August and unable to buy a ticket to see my brother’s wedding. Yikes. Then I would be relying on Billy to support me, the baby, and himself while I bond with and take care of the baby before returning to work. This is a heavy weight.

Now I am stepping back and utilizing the “necessity is the mother of invention” tool for creating something out of nothing. Hey, I did that in my uterus, shouldn’t I be able to do it with finances?

It was pointed out to me that I should appreciate what I have. The opportunity to have my baby in a good hospital (CPMC, which people in the Bay Area call “the baby factory”) and if all goes well, at a minimal cost. Doulas and midwives are seemingly luxuries. I just don’t trust that the doctor’s best interests and my best interests are aligned. Why can’t I have the luxury of choosing the birth I want?

Am I being a brat? Unrealistic? Ungrateful?
I don’t know. Probably.
I do know that I am frustrated with lack of insurance coverage (or any sort of funding for that matter) for doulas and midwives. These professionals actually cost less! AND, they statistically have better outcomes with less interventions!

I am frustrated and appreciative, and open to the possibility of making money.

“I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.”

-Frank Herbert, Dune

In my quest to find a doula I spoke with a wonderful, supportive woman named Pamela Star last night about my situation, her services and other possibilities.

In a selfless, sincere manner, she offered me advise on looking into the home birth I ideally would like to have. Best case senario is that it would end up costing about the same amount of money to have a home birth midwife birth me at home as it would for a hospital stay and a doula. Who knows what will actually happen though. There is the possibility that I could end up paying both a midwife AND the hospital fees if I had to birth at the hospital.

I have drafted an email that I will send out tomorrow to midwives to see if anyone would be interested and available to take me on. My due date is fast approaching so it could be tricky to find a midwife who is not already booked. In addition, it is summer time when people are going on vacation.

Ideally I would hire a midwife as well as Star (Pamela Star) as my doula and have my baby at home. I wonder where this adventure will take me?

Today I continue my doula search. I find my feet dragging every time I mean to research, call, and interview doulas. I am afraid. I don’t know if I will find the right person to be my doula (I really need to feel comfortable with my doula). Will I ask the right questions?

I am afraid to give birth. I will mostly likely, at this point, give birth in a hospital, and if I am less than 36 weeks, by a MD. I am afraid of time limits the hospital puts on labor and on trying to give birth naturally. I am afraid of the medical interventions that they are accustomed to using. I afraid that I will not feel comfortable or be able to relax in a hospital, or even if I were to have this baby at home. If I am afraid and uncomfortable my body will not open easily and I will not enjoy the birth

The uncertainty of who, how, when, baby’s health, and finances surrounding the birth are unsettling to me.

I do know that midwives and doulas will be supportive to my philosophy which will help matters a great deal. I do not want to live in fear. I want to enjoy life and accept the challenges gracefully and with appreciation.

I wish could practice yoga. I know that would soothe me as well as help prepare me for birth. I think, if I make it to 36 or 37 weeks that my doctors might allow me to do yoga. That is about 7 weeks away. So, now I will have to figure out how to soothe myself, live gracefully and enjoy life in other ways. The first thing that comes to mind is turning to my breath.

In my doula search I found this poem that had the effect of improving the quality of my breath and the state of my mind:

I am a willow tree,
Strong, yet fluid
graceful.
I can bend with the wind,
but my roots are tough,
indestructible.
Opening to birth my child
is flowing with the wind:
from a soft and gentle breeze
to a stormy gale
back to a soft and gentle breeze.
My body is strong, but flexible.
It is my friend, it knows how to open.
I am a friend to my body
eating well, walking, and loving myself.
I shall birth safely, freely, openly . . .
among my loved and trusted ones.
I am the willow, flexible
beautiful resilient
endowed with the power of surrender
to the wind rustling through my leaves,
my branches.
My roots reach deep into Mother Earth
Anchored in Her strength
I bring forth life
In joy!

—Author: Anonymous

I just drafted out a birthing plan using a customizable form on at justmommies.com. It helped in getting my brain storming and asking questions. I have more to learn about all the options and what they mean and what alternatives there are. Then, I have to find out if the doctors will allow my wishes to be carried out. I had interviewed one of the two nurse-midwifes at my OB/GYN’s office last month but I believe that while I am still considered in a “high risk pregnancy” that one of the three doctors at my OB/GYN’s office (whoever is on call that day) will attend the delivery.

I am considering having a doula (labor assistant) present but I have much to learn about that as well. It was suggested to me by Jane Austin, a well respected yoga teacher and child birth educator as well as an ex-doula and ex-midwife, that I hire a doula (labor assistant) if I could not hire my number one preference: a home birth midwife. There has been research that shows having a doula present increases the chances of a healthy birth that has less complications and invasive techniques used like cesarean section, forceps delivery, or episiotomy.