I am afraid to give birth. I will mostly likely, at this point, give birth in a hospital, and if I am less than 36 weeks, by a MD. I am afraid of time limits the hospital puts on labor and on trying to give birth naturally. I am afraid of the medical interventions that they are accustomed to using. I afraid that I will not feel comfortable or be able to relax in a hospital, or even if I were to have this baby at home. If I am afraid and uncomfortable my body will not open easily and I will not enjoy the birth

The uncertainty of who, how, when, baby’s health, and finances surrounding the birth are unsettling to me.

I do know that midwives and doulas will be supportive to my philosophy which will help matters a great deal. I do not want to live in fear. I want to enjoy life and accept the challenges gracefully and with appreciation.

I wish could practice yoga. I know that would soothe me as well as help prepare me for birth. I think, if I make it to 36 or 37 weeks that my doctors might allow me to do yoga. That is about 7 weeks away. So, now I will have to figure out how to soothe myself, live gracefully and enjoy life in other ways. The first thing that comes to mind is turning to my breath.

In my doula search I found this poem that had the effect of improving the quality of my breath and the state of my mind:

I am a willow tree,
Strong, yet fluid
graceful.
I can bend with the wind,
but my roots are tough,
indestructible.
Opening to birth my child
is flowing with the wind:
from a soft and gentle breeze
to a stormy gale
back to a soft and gentle breeze.
My body is strong, but flexible.
It is my friend, it knows how to open.
I am a friend to my body
eating well, walking, and loving myself.
I shall birth safely, freely, openly . . .
among my loved and trusted ones.
I am the willow, flexible
beautiful resilient
endowed with the power of surrender
to the wind rustling through my leaves,
my branches.
My roots reach deep into Mother Earth
Anchored in Her strength
I bring forth life
In joy!

—Author: Anonymous

My mom told me she needed some physical therapy to help heal an injury she had this last year. She told me that she intended to negotiate a lower rate. Being self-employed, she does not have health insurance.

Then, yesterday, on my GoogleReader page I saw a link in the “Top Recommendations” section to a site I had been meaning to check out called Baby Cheapskate – Saving Big Bucks On Baby Stuff. It was a link to a blog article called Want Cheaper Medical Bills? Just Ask.

The basics are:

• Know your insurance policy well so you know what is covered and what is not and how much you have to pay out of pocket.
• If you don’t have insurance, shop around. See what the going rate is and how different Doctor’s offices compare.
• Negotiate your price up front.
• If you pay in cash you are more likely to get an incentive discount.

I recommend clicking on the links in the article that I linked you above so that you can check out further examples and more details on how to accomplish lowering your medical costs, and, you can hear someone else’s story. I found it to be an interesting read even though I have insurance. Although, come to think of it, my insurance will not pay for the hospital stay when I have the baby. Hmm. I should check into a discount. Also, I racked up a $22,000 medical bill for my 3 day hospitalization 2 weeks ago. The claim is still pending so I don’t yet know how much I will have to pay out of pocket.

I just can’t believe how expensive health care is. My eyeballs popped out of my head when I read how much my care cost for managing my pre-term labor. I’m still in disbelief. $22,000?!

Maybe we should move to Sweden. I have some really nice relatives there. I hear Canada is beautiful too.

She gave me a little more leeway in the amount I am able to sit up but, I am still to be conservative. Sitting up really helps when I have indigestion, when writing blog posts and emails, among other things, so I am very thankful!

She taught me how to super dose myself “safely” (meaning without overdosing) with the Nifedipine, or as she calls it “STAT dose” (for more immediate effect). This is for when I have those hours with more than 6 contractions. We don’t want more than six per hour. I tried the STAT does today when I had 8 in one hour. Wow, it sort of messed me up, but it did stop the contractions for a while. When the contractions started again they were less frequent. Ah medicine… you are wondrous and scary.

I believe she said if I make it to week 35 I can have one of their nurse midwives deliver the baby. As it is now, I am under doctor care. I am hopeful that I will make it to midwife delivery status and am even considering continuing my homebirth midwife search as well as figuring out how to fund it. Well, one day at a time. I can tend to get stressed and overwhelmed worrying about all these details and right now, I have to focus on being a good, relaxed incubator for the little guy.

*taking a deep breath*

I am considering having a doula (labor assistant) present but I have much to learn about that as well. It was suggested to me by Jane Austin, a well respected yoga teacher and child birth educator as well as an ex-doula and ex-midwife, that I hire a doula (labor assistant) if I could not hire my number one preference: a home birth midwife. There has been research that shows having a doula present increases the chances of a healthy birth that has less complications and invasive techniques used like cesarean section, forceps delivery, or episiotomy.