In the last few years that urge to create a doll has been growing. I keep seeing neat handmade dolls that inspire. Today, cruising around on Etsy (yes, I’m addicted to this site), I came across a strange beauty (click on the 2nd thumbnail down) that made me stop and marvel. Partially I think that the doll is inspired, partially I like the angle and the way in which it’s lit.

I would love to make a doll/stuffed friend for my son. And, as part of my efforts to make a living, I also envision creating a line of dolls for sale. One of my criteria will be that it be machine washable in hot water so that it can be washed regularly to rid it of dust mites. I recently learned that this is an important issue for many allergy sufferers. Both Billy and I are sensitive to dust/dust mites so we need to make sure our little one has as little mite-y issues to deal with as possible as that helps kids to either not develop allergies, or to delay the onset of them.

This excerpt from the American Academy of Allergy, Asthma and Immunology website helps explain:

Preventing environmental allergies and asthma:

It makes good common sense that, since some airborne substances may trigger allergy or asthma symptoms, reducing contact with these substances early in life may delay or prevent the onset of allergy or asthma symptoms. The evidence for this relationship is clearest in the case of dust mites, which are microscopic creatures related to spiders that are found in large quantities inside the home. Therefore, taking steps to aggressively control dust mites in the homes of high-risk children may reduce the occurrence of dust mite allergy in these children.

I have been feeling bit edgy, perhaps “stir crazy”. There is so much I want to do with my life, there are things that I have been wanting to do, and now that I have all this time on my hands I have come face-to-face with these desires. Due to bed rest, I can’t do anything about them now which is frustrating.

Actually, in truth, I can do something. I can prepare. I can read. I can research. I can write. I can brainstorm. I can finally work on meditation and learning more of what it is about so that I can practice my way into it. I even have a book on my shelf that would introduce me nicely. Then from there, there are options: I can get on amazon.com and find something more in depth. If I am feeling unsure of which book (or dvd) to pick, I can email or call one of my local yoga teachers and ask.

It is the things like dancing that are really frustrating me. Bed rest and dancing do not mix. I have decided to watch videos and read writings of dancers to learn from their experiences. I learn a lot just by watching so I have been watching clips on youtube. But all this observing is making me antsy. I find myself clenching my jaw or sympathetically moving my body like a snake being charmed by the snake charmer. Well, I can look at this “problem” as an opportunity to work on my relaxation skills, which is something I want to work on anyway.

And then there is crafting. I am itching to make stuff again. I used to create and sell silk flower adornments (among other things) and I’d like to start doing that again. This too will have to wait until after the baby is born. But when will I have time then? I will find a way (eventually).

Yesterday I began crying, sobbing actually. I was embarrassed because someone in our building might hear me. In trying to be an growing, pro-active person, I tried to assess why this was happening. But I couldn’t figure it out. It was as if a cleansing was taking place that allowed no room for assessment. Billy called me soon after the tears ended and he asked me why I was sad. When I talked about it to him I figured I was sad because I feel lonely. Not only do I feel lonely being pretty much secluded these days but also because I don’t really have much of a community here in the Bay Area. I have been somewhat hermit-like and my social skills have been wanting.

In thinking about it now, it seems as if I have been closed-off a bit to life… not living fully. Why? I have been wondering if it is because I have been wanting what others have (that means I am living outside of myself) instead of wanting things for myself and going out into the world and developing or getting those things (that would be living inside myself).

When I have these realizations, I try to use them for positive ends and not for wallowing in the negative. That’s hard, and is what I’ve done for too much of my life.

Anyway, this is part of what’s been going on for me. I am finding this time of my life to be very challenging. I also find it to be a gift.

I decided to post about this in my quest to be transparent, or, to be real. This is part of who I really am. Pleased to meet you.

This Mother’s Day I want to sweeten the deal for my mom because she has done an exceptional thing this year: SHE QUIT SMOKING! I am so happy and so proud of her! I know it has been a challenge for her but I always knew she was up for that challenge. She is a strong and powerful woman. The thing that really sealed the deal in her decision to quit smoking for good this time is that she has her first grandchild on the way! (That’s the little guy inside of me.) She is one proud grandma and she hasn’t even met the little fellah yet! It warms my heart and gives me much happiness at the way our whole family has responded with love and joy at this pregnancy.

So, the Mother’s Day deal sweetener I spoke of is an iPod Shuffle (with a inscription engraved on the back) that she can use on the stationary bike she got recently to help her manage her weight (and her health in general) as well as to use on her long walks that she has taken to doing. I wonder if she will like such a thing. I just sent her an email with a link to the iPod Shuffle page and asked her to pick a color. Let’s see what her response will be…

What are you doing for your mother this year?