I have been putting off writing today and here are some of the reasons why:
I have been feeling bit edgy, perhaps “stir crazy”. There is so much I want to do with my life, there are things that I have been wanting to do, and now that I have all this time on my hands I have come face-to-face with these desires. Due to bed rest, I can’t do anything about them now which is frustrating.
Actually, in truth, I can do something. I can prepare. I can read. I can research. I can write. I can brainstorm. I can finally work on meditation and learning more of what it is about so that I can practice my way into it. I even have a book on my shelf that would introduce me nicely. Then from there, there are options: I can get on amazon.com and find something more in depth. If I am feeling unsure of which book (or dvd) to pick, I can email or call one of my local yoga teachers and ask.
It is the things like dancing that are really frustrating me. Bed rest and dancing do not mix. I have decided to watch videos and read writings of dancers to learn from their experiences. I learn a lot just by watching so I have been watching clips on youtube. But all this observing is making me antsy. I find myself clenching my jaw or sympathetically moving my body like a snake being charmed by the snake charmer. Well, I can look at this “problem” as an opportunity to work on my relaxation skills, which is something I want to work on anyway.
And then there is crafting. I am itching to make stuff again. I used to create and sell silk flower adornments (among other things) and I’d like to start doing that again. This too will have to wait until after the baby is born. But when will I have time then? I will find a way (eventually).
Yesterday I began crying, sobbing actually. I was embarrassed because someone in our building might hear me. In trying to be an growing, pro-active person, I tried to assess why this was happening. But I couldn’t figure it out. It was as if a cleansing was taking place that allowed no room for assessment. Billy called me soon after the tears ended and he asked me why I was sad. When I talked about it to him I figured I was sad because I feel lonely. Not only do I feel lonely being pretty much secluded these days but also because I don’t really have much of a community here in the Bay Area. I have been somewhat hermit-like and my social skills have been wanting.
In thinking about it now, it seems as if I have been closed-off a bit to life… not living fully. Why? I have been wondering if it is because I have been wanting what others have (that means I am living outside of myself) instead of wanting things for myself and going out into the world and developing or getting those things (that would be living inside myself).
When I have these realizations, I try to use them for positive ends and not for wallowing in the negative. That’s hard, and is what I’ve done for too much of my life.
Anyway, this is part of what’s been going on for me. I am finding this time of my life to be very challenging. I also find it to be a gift.
I decided to post about this in my quest to be transparent, or, to be real. This is part of who I really am. Pleased to meet you.
