I was just laying on my son’s play sleep area along side his little sleeping body under his rain forest deluxe gym when it hit me and I felt a sort of psychic ricochet… I wasn’t prepared for what happened to me…

I wasn’t prepared to be pregnant. I didn’t fully believe it was really happening. How can someone take that in? Take in that another life is growing inside of you and that about nine months later it will come barreling out of you.

So, you can imagine I was not prepared to give birth. I was scared! Part of me was excited that it could be wonderful and magical because I had heard great things about giving birth naturally. For example, a friend described her birth experience as nearly orgasmic and one of the most amazing experiences she would ever have! I had read an article that backed up her claim as well.

My birth experience did not go like that. I have yet to write about it here on MaternityShare. I am just not ready to share it yet.

Now, that I have had my baby and we have been getting to know each other for 3 1/2 weeks and that the family is starting to find patterns emerging I am looking at how my life experience is going. I am not doing well. I am so tired and I have the “baby blues”. I just can’t seem to get grounded and pull myself together. Billy keeps ecouraging me to be productive and to get on a schedule but I am finding it hard to get everything that he and I want me to do.

I need to realise in mind, body and, soul that what has happened in my life is real and that this is my life experience. I need to fully take it all in and accept the responsibility for it all. I aim to live more fully and to create the life I want. Wise people say that it can be done. I want to do it.

I think it must be acceptance that I need to cultivate. I believe that I am coming more from a place of fear. I feel that if I am fearing what is happening to me that I cannot fully expereince my life nor be the partner and mother that I want to be.

There is the matter of money weighing heavy over me/us. How can I make that work for me/us from the place of fear that I am in.

I think things like:

How can I make money and be a good mom? It takes time to make money. How can I make any decent amount of money? What is it that I can do and be a mom at the same time?

And there are more of these ridiculous thoughts floating in my head just clogging up the works. I don’t want my workings to be clogged. I want to be a wonderful, vibrant, joyful person/partner/mom.