Category Archives: healh

Riding the Rollercoaster of my Pregnancy

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Today I thought I was making some good headway in figuring out what I could afford and what pieces I needed to work on solidifying to make the birthing situation a comfortable one. I had to make compromises but I was willing to live with them. Then, later tonight, Billy and I started talking finances for real. It seems that things are going to be really tight. I was being overly optimistic. Well, I guess I am happy about the optimism part, as well as making some headway and decisions. As it stands with today’s optimistic plan I will be broke (no exaggeration) by August and unable to buy a ticket to see my brother’s wedding. Yikes. Then I would be relying on Billy to support me, the baby, and himself while I bond with and take care of the baby before returning to work. This is a heavy weight.

Now I am stepping back and utilizing the “necessity is the mother of invention” tool for creating something out of nothing. Hey, I did that in my uterus, shouldn’t I be able to do it with finances?

It was pointed out to me that I should appreciate what I have. The opportunity to have my baby in a good hospital (CPMC, which people in the Bay Area call “the baby factory”) and if all goes well, at a minimal cost. Doulas and midwives are seemingly luxuries. I just don’t trust that the doctor’s best interests and my best interests are aligned. Why can’t I have the luxury of choosing the birth I want?

Am I being a brat? Unrealistic? Ungrateful?
I don’t know. Probably.
I do know that I am frustrated with lack of insurance coverage (or any sort of funding for that matter) for doulas and midwives. These professionals actually cost less! AND, they statistically have better outcomes with less interventions!

I am frustrated and appreciative, and open to the possibility of making money.

“I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.”

-Frank Herbert, Dune

The Business of Being Born

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Tonight we had our friend Phoebe over for dinner and a movie. Billy made a yummy lentil dish with rice and tofu. When trying to decide what movie to watch the question came up of whether or not we had seen the movie The Business of Being Born. We had, but Phoebe had not. Since she seemed very interested in seeing it we decided to see if it was available via the Roku box on the Netflix instant stream. It was, so we watch it for the second time with her. It was still very interesting the second time around. Now, weeks later, it has a different meaning for me and my circumstances are different. I have read up a bit on midwifery and, chances (the fFN, actually) say that I am more likely to deliver pre-term. I guess what I took away from it this time around is the power and strength mothers have. I get to choose how I go into my delivery experience. Even as it gets intense I believe I will think of that. Also, it reaffirmed that I have choices on what interventions I do or do not receive. If I deliver in a hospital, I need to be strong in advocating for myself and my wishes. And, when I go into labor, I don’t want to go into the hospital too early so that I will be in my own environment for as long as possible and also there will be less of a time pressure on me to deliver on their time clock which could more likely lead to them falsely inducing or augmenting labor which will likely bring on complications.

Just thinking about all the hospital possibilities (especially with a preemie involved) strengthens my resolve to keep this baby in for about another month and a half so that he is full term and I can have a midwife deliver me.

The power of the mind is a fascinating thing… one that I wish I understood and could harness fully.

Pregnancy Update: 31.5 Weeks Along

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I am 31.5 weeks pregnant and had an appointment with the Obstetrician yesterday. She took another fFN to determine the likelihood of me delivering in the next 7-14 days. It came back positive. This means I am more likely than not to deliver in the next 7-14 days. I got the call about it to give me a heads up this afternoon. I have to go and have a ultrasound on Tuesday morning to check the length of my cervix (which last time they checked about 5.5 weeks ago was already shortened to 2.1cm). All I can do is stay the course: bed rest, Nifedipine, stay hydrated. I would add: keep my stress down.

Another thing that came up yesterday was the question of tenderness in my lower, side belly (mostly on the right). I was asked to set up an ultrasound to check out my appendix and get blood work done to rule out appendicitis. Billy doesn’t think that I have it. I don’t know. I am worried about that tenderness though.

When the doctor (not the one I saw yesterday… remember, I have three Obstetricians) called me today to tell me about the fFN I told her about my aggravating experience of trying to set the ultrasound for ruling out appendicitis (I will spare you the details) to which she replied “I don’t think you have appendicitis”. She suggested to take one stressor out of it all that I should skip this test and basically watch for symptoms at which point if I have the big bad symptoms then I will just go to the hospital and have it out.

So now we are preparing for a preemie. One that will live in a little box at the hospital for a while.

I am visualizing making it to full term anyway. But, I am making sure everything is set up for readiness because I need to do that at some point anyway. This includes preregistering a the hospital and getting my things collected that I need and want to take with me.

For now, I will work on relaxing and being in the moment. Lately I have had an even harder time doing that.

Spiritual Midwifery

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My friend Jenny read Spiritual Midwifery by Ina May Gaskin as a teenager and knew then that she would have a home birth. And she did. A few years ago she gave birth to a beautiful little girl in her home. Jenny’s description of her home birth experience left me in awe. Hearing her story strengthened my own desire to have a home birth.

Even after I had prepared myself to accept a hospital birth as my only option due to my pregnancy being considered high-risk (well, there was a financial consideration too) I decided to order the book Spiritual Midwifery. I felt that it would help educate me to make informed decisions and to understand the alternatives that I could try to request. I also knew that it would give me tips and tricks on how to trust and work with my body’s innate ability to give birth.

I just started reading it just as I am finishing up her other book, Guide to Childbirth. I find both books enlightening and alarming. Enlightening because there is a lot of joy an wisdom related to the reader. Alarming because there are things that can “go wrong” in any child birth situation (at home or in hospital) as well as choices that hospitals and their staff make to help facilitate labor like unnecessary drugs and procedures. I appreciate that Ina May is helping distribute this information to mothers-to-be. I find that it is empowering and I see how it empowers other mothers who have already given birth.

Getting Ready For Birth and Dealing With Fear

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Today I continue my doula search. I find my feet dragging every time I mean to research, call, and interview doulas. I am afraid. I don’t know if I will find the right person to be my doula (I really need to feel comfortable with my doula). Will I ask the right questions?

I am afraid to give birth. I will mostly likely, at this point, give birth in a hospital, and if I am less than 36 weeks, by a MD. I am afraid of time limits the hospital puts on labor and on trying to give birth naturally. I am afraid of the medical interventions that they are accustomed to using. I afraid that I will not feel comfortable or be able to relax in a hospital, or even if I were to have this baby at home. If I am afraid and uncomfortable my body will not open easily and I will not enjoy the birth

The uncertainty of who, how, when, baby’s health, and finances surrounding the birth are unsettling to me.

I do know that midwives and doulas will be supportive to my philosophy which will help matters a great deal. I do not want to live in fear. I want to enjoy life and accept the challenges gracefully and with appreciation.

I wish could practice yoga. I know that would soothe me as well as help prepare me for birth. I think, if I make it to 36 or 37 weeks that my doctors might allow me to do yoga. That is about 7 weeks away. So, now I will have to figure out how to soothe myself, live gracefully and enjoy life in other ways. The first thing that comes to mind is turning to my breath.

In my doula search I found this poem that had the effect of improving the quality of my breath and the state of my mind:

I am a willow tree,
Strong, yet fluid
graceful.
I can bend with the wind,
but my roots are tough,
indestructible.
Opening to birth my child
is flowing with the wind:
from a soft and gentle breeze
to a stormy gale
back to a soft and gentle breeze.
My body is strong, but flexible.
It is my friend, it knows how to open.
I am a friend to my body
eating well, walking, and loving myself.
I shall birth safely, freely, openly . . .
among my loved and trusted ones.
I am the willow, flexible
beautiful resilient
endowed with the power of surrender
to the wind rustling through my leaves,
my branches.
My roots reach deep into Mother Earth
Anchored in Her strength
I bring forth life
In joy!

—Author: Anonymous

Kid Yogi

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I read a little article on Common Ground Magazine’s website today about kid yogis that had picture of an adorable and serene looking baby sitting in the lotus position with hands at the heart. When I practice this pose I feel relaxed and I “come back into myself”. I am often “go-go-go” if even just in my head. It feels nice and right to get grounded again with yoga.

I think it is a marvelous idea to teach kids yoga. Kids do it naturally anyway, similar to the way in which cats and dogs do (think about the pose Downward Dog for example). They just intuitively know how to move their bodies to keep feeling good.

There is a yoga pose named after something that babies naturally do: Happy Baby Pose

I plan on becoming a yoga teacher. I hope to take a teacher training within the next year. I am not sure how that will work out with a baby about to come but, having read this article, I now feel like I can share my yoga adventures with my baby. The thought of this is very satisfying.

~namaste~

what’s up? making a baby, yo.

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I have been in (more of) a worry state the last few days. My contractions have increased again. Yesterday and the day before I have had to taken 5 STAT doses of Nifedipine to control them. These doses make me groggy and stupid and I worry about subjecting (more of) the medicine to the little fellah. He is just a wee little thing.

I just made an Excel spreadsheet of the highlights of my contraction adventures in bed rest. I know, exciting. It helped me to visualize better what the patterns are so I can go over it with my doctor. She will call to check in with me when she gets out of delivery.

Some of the reason why I want to check in (in addition to the concern that my belly almost seems to have gone into an almost constant “firm” state) is that I have been noticing some new sensations. Billy and I think that it is probably because of my enlarging belly. It seems to all of the sudden become bigger out of seemingly nowhere. It is getting large, folks!

My sense is that everything will be “okay” but I was told to check in with concerns.

Being “stuck” on bed rest and having to monitor my contractions and other sensations is making me slightly crazy with worry. I keep reaffirming that I am committed to carrying this baby until the first week of August.

The mind is a powerful thing. I aim to trust that.

enchanting doll, and, on dust mites

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I am taken with stuffed animals/dolls when they are handmade and they have a certain “wow factor”. I began thinking about making a doll for one of my projects in an art class I took in college. I sketched and out and visualized it in detail but it never made it out of my sketchbook.

In the last few years that urge to create a doll has been growing. I keep seeing neat handmade dolls that inspire. Today, cruising around on Etsy (yes, I’m addicted to this site), I came across a strange beauty (click on the 2nd thumbnail down) that made me stop and marvel. Partially I think that the doll is inspired, partially I like the angle and the way in which it’s lit.

I would love to make a doll/stuffed friend for my son. And, as part of my efforts to make a living, I also envision creating a line of dolls for sale. One of my criteria will be that it be machine washable in hot water so that it can be washed regularly to rid it of dust mites. I recently learned that this is an important issue for many allergy sufferers. Both Billy and I are sensitive to dust/dust mites so we need to make sure our little one has as little mite-y issues to deal with as possible as that helps kids to either not develop allergies, or to delay the onset of them.

This excerpt from the American Academy of Allergy, Asthma and Immunology website helps explain:

Preventing environmental allergies and asthma:

It makes good common sense that, since some airborne substances may trigger allergy or asthma symptoms, reducing contact with these substances early in life may delay or prevent the onset of allergy or asthma symptoms. The evidence for this relationship is clearest in the case of dust mites, which are microscopic creatures related to spiders that are found in large quantities inside the home. Therefore, taking steps to aggressively control dust mites in the homes of high-risk children may reduce the occurrence of dust mite allergy in these children.