Category Archives: growth

just laying here when…

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I was just laying on my son’s play sleep area along side his little sleeping body under his rain forest deluxe gym when it hit me and I felt a sort of psychic ricochet… I wasn’t prepared for what happened to me…

I wasn’t prepared to be pregnant. I didn’t fully believe it was really happening. How can someone take that in? Take in that another life is growing inside of you and that about nine months later it will come barreling out of you.

So, you can imagine I was not prepared to give birth. I was scared! Part of me was excited that it could be wonderful and magical because I had heard great things about giving birth naturally. For example, a friend described her birth experience as nearly orgasmic and one of the most amazing experiences she would ever have! I had read an article that backed up her claim as well.

My birth experience did not go like that. I have yet to write about it here on MaternityShare. I am just not ready to share it yet.

Now, that I have had my baby and we have been getting to know each other for 3 1/2 weeks and that the family is starting to find patterns emerging I am looking at how my life experience is going. I am not doing well. I am so tired and I have the “baby blues”. I just can’t seem to get grounded and pull myself together. Billy keeps ecouraging me to be productive and to get on a schedule but I am finding it hard to get everything that he and I want me to do.

I need to realise in mind, body and, soul that what has happened in my life is real and that this is my life experience. I need to fully take it all in and accept the responsibility for it all. I aim to live more fully and to create the life I want. Wise people say that it can be done. I want to do it.

I think it must be acceptance that I need to cultivate. I believe that I am coming more from a place of fear. I feel that if I am fearing what is happening to me that I cannot fully expereince my life nor be the partner and mother that I want to be.

There is the matter of money weighing heavy over me/us. How can I make that work for me/us from the place of fear that I am in.

I think things like:

How can I make money and be a good mom? It takes time to make money. How can I make any decent amount of money? What is it that I can do and be a mom at the same time?

And there are more of these ridiculous thoughts floating in my head just clogging up the works. I don’t want my workings to be clogged. I want to be a wonderful, vibrant, joyful person/partner/mom.

Worry

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I feel like I have been stuck on a perpeptual rollercoaster of worry. Most times I don’t even know that I’m on the ride. Its like I’m stuck inside this worry machine and don’t even know it.

When showering today, I pondered the worry in my life. (Lately it has been on overdrive and mostly about Will… but worry is a constant theme in my life.) Billy keeps asking me not to worry so much. I have heard him say a variation of these words so many times in the last few weeks since Will’s arrival. Billy is right, I do need to stop worring so much.

I got to thinking about all the energy I spend on worring and wondered if something bad actually did happen would it take as much energy as I have spent preemtively worring about what could go wrong or what I could be doing wrong. I was struck by this thoughtful realization. It helped give me perspective. I figure if there is information I think I need to have to help me understand the best way to do things then I should put my energy into researching it and then trust it. I also need to trust the resources that are there for me (like the Pediatrican, and other people’s wisdom as well as my own wisdom and intuition.

I can’t imagine how frustrating it is to be around me when I worry worry worry. (Thank you Billy for being there for me through all of this.) I don’t want to drive myself or others crazy with my worry.

I want to live well and always do my best. I need to do this not only for my family but also for me.

Hypnobirthing Assists In Everyday Calm

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Last night I found myself in a very upsetting situation. Augmenting the upsetting situation were my pregnancy hormones. I felt like I was beside myself*. After letting out frustrations I turned to my hypnobirthing practice. I sat in calm as I let my breathing soothe me as well as the visualization practice of Marie F. Mongan’a Rainbow Relaxation CD. Soon I found the conditioning that I have been building by practicing listening to my hypnobirthing CDs had paid off. This makes me feel more confidant about it really working as a tool to assist in my birthing experience. I feel more grounded in general with the steps I have been taking to create positive experiences in my life. I am very thankful to myself for choosing to do this and working to progress. I am also thankful to the people and tools that support me in this experience. Even when times are hard, I feel that my life is enriched.

* “Beside himself. Why do we describe a distraught person as being ‘beside himself’? Because the ancients believed that soul and body could part and that under great emotional stress the soul would actually leave the body. When this happened a person was ‘beside himself.’ This same thought is to be found in ‘out of his mind’; and in ‘estasy’ too. ‘Ecstasy’ is from the Greek and literally means ‘to stand out of.’” From “Dictionary of Word Origins” by Jordan Almond (Carol Publishing Group, Secaucus, N.J., 1998)

The Midwife Responses Begin To Roll In

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I sent out the email I drafted yesterday to the midwifes on Star’s list a half hour ago and I already got a response! The woman who emailed me said she would call me tomorrow. I am excited that it has begun. Everyone in the home birthing community seems so nice and supportive. I feel blessed. The woman who wrote me said to check out her website and on her site I found this quote:

“Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart.

Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakens.”

-Jung

This is quote has come to me in good time and is yet another blessing. It speaks to what I currenly am struggling with and have been looking at changing in my life (in general).

Stepping up to the challenge

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I have been putting off writing today and here are some of the reasons why:

I have been feeling bit edgy, perhaps “stir crazy”. There is so much I want to do with my life, there are things that I have been wanting to do, and now that I have all this time on my hands I have come face-to-face with these desires. Due to bed rest, I can’t do anything about them now which is frustrating.

Actually, in truth, I can do something. I can prepare. I can read. I can research. I can write. I can brainstorm. I can finally work on meditation and learning more of what it is about so that I can practice my way into it. I even have a book on my shelf that would introduce me nicely. Then from there, there are options: I can get on amazon.com and find something more in depth. If I am feeling unsure of which book (or dvd) to pick, I can email or call one of my local yoga teachers and ask.

It is the things like dancing that are really frustrating me. Bed rest and dancing do not mix. I have decided to watch videos and read writings of dancers to learn from their experiences. I learn a lot just by watching so I have been watching clips on youtube. But all this observing is making me antsy. I find myself clenching my jaw or sympathetically moving my body like a snake being charmed by the snake charmer. Well, I can look at this “problem” as an opportunity to work on my relaxation skills, which is something I want to work on anyway.

And then there is crafting. I am itching to make stuff again. I used to create and sell silk flower adornments (among other things) and I’d like to start doing that again. This too will have to wait until after the baby is born. But when will I have time then? I will find a way (eventually).

Yesterday I began crying, sobbing actually. I was embarrassed because someone in our building might hear me. In trying to be an growing, pro-active person, I tried to assess why this was happening. But I couldn’t figure it out. It was as if a cleansing was taking place that allowed no room for assessment. Billy called me soon after the tears ended and he asked me why I was sad. When I talked about it to him I figured I was sad because I feel lonely. Not only do I feel lonely being pretty much secluded these days but also because I don’t really have much of a community here in the Bay Area. I have been somewhat hermit-like and my social skills have been wanting.

In thinking about it now, it seems as if I have been closed-off a bit to life… not living fully. Why? I have been wondering if it is because I have been wanting what others have (that means I am living outside of myself) instead of wanting things for myself and going out into the world and developing or getting those things (that would be living inside myself).

When I have these realizations, I try to use them for positive ends and not for wallowing in the negative. That’s hard, and is what I’ve done for too much of my life.

Anyway, this is part of what’s been going on for me. I am finding this time of my life to be very challenging. I also find it to be a gift.

I decided to post about this in my quest to be transparent, or, to be real. This is part of who I really am. Pleased to meet you.