Monthly Archives: August 2008

Worry

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I feel like I have been stuck on a perpeptual rollercoaster of worry. Most times I don’t even know that I’m on the ride. Its like I’m stuck inside this worry machine and don’t even know it.

When showering today, I pondered the worry in my life. (Lately it has been on overdrive and mostly about Will… but worry is a constant theme in my life.) Billy keeps asking me not to worry so much. I have heard him say a variation of these words so many times in the last few weeks since Will’s arrival. Billy is right, I do need to stop worring so much.

I got to thinking about all the energy I spend on worring and wondered if something bad actually did happen would it take as much energy as I have spent preemtively worring about what could go wrong or what I could be doing wrong. I was struck by this thoughtful realization. It helped give me perspective. I figure if there is information I think I need to have to help me understand the best way to do things then I should put my energy into researching it and then trust it. I also need to trust the resources that are there for me (like the Pediatrican, and other people’s wisdom as well as my own wisdom and intuition.

I can’t imagine how frustrating it is to be around me when I worry worry worry. (Thank you Billy for being there for me through all of this.) I don’t want to drive myself or others crazy with my worry.

I want to live well and always do my best. I need to do this not only for my family but also for me.

Will Came Early

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I knew Will was expected to come early but I had hoped to hold him in for longer than I did. I wanted him to grow as big and fat and healthy as possible. He was born at 36 weeks and 6 days into the pregnancy, just one day shy of what is considered “full term” which caused the hospital staff and other health care professionals to call him a “preemie”.

Since my first time in the hospital to be monitored for preterm labor (at 24 weeks) I have been on alert and worried about the baby being born too early and what his chances of survival or chances of a healthy life would be. I am so tired of the worrying. I still carry that worry with me as it has been weighty on my mind for months and I am still getting used to the fact that he is now on the outside of me as well as believing that he is doing fine and is healthy.

When I was put on bed rest it made things even more intense for me. I had worry and I had a new lifestyle that made me feel like an invalid or some sort of injured person. My actions and interactions were dramatically limited. The lack of a tribe or a community that I had already been feeling felt even more pronounced when I could not be even among the strangers on my commute as well as my co-workers during my week day. As I have mentioned before, being pregnant made me strongly realize that I want to and need to reach out to those I already know and love as well as make new connections in my new home (well, not so new as I have now been in the Bay area for about three years now).

I had hired Pamela Star (a.k.a. Star) as my doula to assist me in my labor. Star was unable to make it to my birth because Will came so fast and she had another birth to attend to. I was so scared when Will began to come. I didn’t know what to do with myself and the sensations I was having. I had in effect “programed my body to “keep baby inside” so when it came time for him to come out I was fighting it. The labor came so fast and progressed so quickly that I was overwhelmed.

Anyway, the baby is starting to wake and Billy is changing his diaper now and I am going to feed him in a moment. So I have to wrap this up for now. But rest assured, I have more to say. These are some of the things I am processing right now in this intense hormone steeped and sleep deprived time. Things are getting a bit more grounded for me but my head is still swimming.