I knew Will was expected to come early but I had hoped to hold him in for longer than I did. I wanted him to grow as big and fat and healthy as possible. He was born at 36 weeks and 6 days into the pregnancy, just one day shy of what is considered “full term” which caused the hospital staff and other health care professionals to call him a “preemie”.

Since my first time in the hospital to be monitored for preterm labor (at 24 weeks) I have been on alert and worried about the baby being born too early and what his chances of survival or chances of a healthy life would be. I am so tired of the worrying. I still carry that worry with me as it has been weighty on my mind for months and I am still getting used to the fact that he is now on the outside of me as well as believing that he is doing fine and is healthy.

When I was put on bed rest it made things even more intense for me. I had worry and I had a new lifestyle that made me feel like an invalid or some sort of injured person. My actions and interactions were dramatically limited. The lack of a tribe or a community that I had already been feeling felt even more pronounced when I could not be even among the strangers on my commute as well as my co-workers during my week day. As I have mentioned before, being pregnant made me strongly realize that I want to and need to reach out to those I already know and love as well as make new connections in my new home (well, not so new as I have now been in the Bay area for about three years now).

I had hired Pamela Star (a.k.a. Star) as my doula to assist me in my labor. Star was unable to make it to my birth because Will came so fast and she had another birth to attend to. I was so scared when Will began to come. I didn’t know what to do with myself and the sensations I was having. I had in effect “programed my body to “keep baby inside” so when it came time for him to come out I was fighting it. The labor came so fast and progressed so quickly that I was overwhelmed.

Anyway, the baby is starting to wake and Billy is changing his diaper now and I am going to feed him in a moment. So I have to wrap this up for now. But rest assured, I have more to say. These are some of the things I am processing right now in this intense hormone steeped and sleep deprived time. Things are getting a bit more grounded for me but my head is still swimming.