Riding the Rollercoaster of my Pregnancy June 12, 2008
Today I thought I was making some good headway in figuring out what I could afford and what pieces I needed to work on solidifying to make the birthing situation a comfortable one. I had to make compromises but I was willing to live with them. Then, later tonight, Billy and I started talking finances for real. It seems that things are going to be really tight. I was being overly optimistic. Well, I guess I am happy about the optimism part, as well as making some headway and decisions. As it stands with today’s optimistic plan I will be broke (no exaggeration) by August and unable to buy a ticket to see my brother’s wedding. Yikes. Then I would be relying on Billy to support me, the baby, and himself while I bond with and take care of the baby before returning to work. This is a heavy weight.
Now I am stepping back and utilizing the “necessity is the mother of invention” tool for creating something out of nothing. Hey, I did that in my uterus, shouldn’t I be able to do it with finances?
It was pointed out to me that I should appreciate what I have. The opportunity to have my baby in a good hospital (CPMC, which people in the Bay Area call “the baby factory”) and if all goes well, at a minimal cost. Doulas and midwives are seemingly luxuries. I just don’t trust that the doctor’s best interests and my best interests are aligned. Why can’t I have the luxury of choosing the birth I want?
Am I being a brat? Unrealistic? Ungrateful?
I don’t know. Probably.
I do know that I am frustrated with lack of insurance coverage (or any sort of funding for that matter) for doulas and midwives. These professionals actually cost less! AND, they statistically have better outcomes with less interventions!
I am frustrated and appreciative, and open to the possibility of making money.
“I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.”
-Frank Herbert, Dune
Its going to be all right! :)
Fearless